Last week I auditioned in New York for the very first time. Surprisingly, shockingly, it was a lot of fun. I left the audition on that crazy post-performance/post-competition high that leaves me giddy with energy.
I NEVER Thought I Would go to a Dance Audition
I never thought I’d audition for anything as a dancer, especially not in New York. Just the thought of going to an audition used to give me anxiety and conjure up feelings of doubt and inadequacy.
It wasn’t just that I didn’t think I’d get to a point where my dancing was strong enough physically and movement-wise. I had a lot of limiting emotional beliefs too. Thoughts like:
- I can’t learn choreography fast enough.
- I started dancing too late in life.
- I don’t have the right personality for auditions.
So years ago, back when I was living in San Francisco, I filed away the idea of auditioning under “Things I Don’t Want To Do.”
Needless to say, I was not super excited when the day of the audition my dance partner called me and said we should do it. When I learned we needed to arrive with a headshot and dance resume—neither of which I had—my lack of excitement turned into full-on stress. I only had a few hours to write out and format a resume, print a headshot, get ready and pick out an outfit, and make it to Midtown (about an hour from where I live in Brooklyn). On top of all that, I was already feeling cranky because I hadn’t gotten enough sleep the night before, had a stressful client meeting later that afternoon, and two plumbers were currently making a mess of my bathroom as they tried to fix the broken shower drain.
I thought about telling my dance partner I couldn’t make it because I had too much going on, but I knew not having enough time was just an excuse. Really, I was scared. Scared I wouldn’t be good enough. Scared I’d make a fool of myself during the audition, or that I’d get there and the other dancers auditioning would think (silently of course) I didn’t deserve to be there.
Thanks to all the emotional work I’ve done (and am continuing to do) getting real with myself about why I wasn’t excited about the audition and pushing through my fear only took about 30 seconds. (Back in January I mentioned my goal for this year is to get better and faster at being honest with myself, so I’d say I’m doing pretty well with that goal so far).
I hung up the phone, pulled together everything I needed, and even ended up making it to the studio a little early.
Still, I was completely surprised by what happened once I got there.
The Audition Experience
As I rode the subway into Midtown, I put on one of my favorite “pump-up” playlists and started thinking about all the ways I’m a different dancer, and a different person, then I was even just a year ago. From there, I started thinking about some of the crazy things I’ve done for dance over the years. Not just the sacrifices I’ve made, but those moments when it felt like all of the stress, all of the exhaustion, and all of the tears would break me.
This little trip down memory lane made me feel so grateful for everything in my life right now, especially dance-wise. I can’t believe I’m here!!!! Living my dream. Figuring it out. Doing this whole thing.
Because I’d never auditioned before, I expected to feel really nervous. But by the time I walked in, I was feeling so grateful and proud of how far I’ve come that I didn’t feel that way at all. Instead, I felt excited. Calm. Focused.
It took almost an hour to get everyone checked in. From there, we learned a shines combo and partner work sequence. The room was so packed that the mirrors fogged up within the first twenty minutes.
About halfway through, I started to feel really tired. It was hot. I kept missing the syncopation of this one footwork section. My mind started to wander and I really had to work to bring myself back into the audition room.
To do that, I thought about what I would do during a competition if this happened: I’d listen to the music and focus on feeling the ground with each step. I’d concentrate on the power of my legs, and enjoy how wonderful each movement felt in my body. I’d remember the immense amount of joy movement brings me.
So the next time we ran the sequence, I looked at myself straight in the mirror and focused on all of those things. Magically, the temperature of the room, the people around me, the fact that I still don’t learn choreography as quickly as I’d like to, faded away. They no longer mattered. I was able to enjoy executing each step and relish each moment of the experience.
After we learned the choreography, we had a few minutes to practice on our own before they called us into the room to audition in groups of three. They auditioned my dance partner in the first group and dancing that sequence with him and then freestyling afterward was so much fun.
Did I execute the choreography perfectly? Was my technique perfect? No.
And while I didn’t get the part, I don’t feel as though it’s because I had a bad audition or danced poorly; I just wasn’t what they were looking for.
But I did dance my ass off and I had a lot of fun doing it.
What I Learned From Auditioning
Since the audition, I’ve been thinking a lot about letting go of fear and what experiences and lessons have helped me do this so much in the past year. I definitely believe in gratitude as a chemical brain-changer and the importance of doing deep, often painful emotional work. I’ve written about giving yourself permission to do what your heart desires, instead of waiting for someone else to tell you it’s okay, and about getting honest with who you are and what you like. As well as how to pursue what feels right in your very depths of your soul, even when no one else around you understands it.
But I think going to this audition helped me understand the phrases “be present” and “live in the moment” in a new way.
I used to struggle so much with celebrating my own progress, with appreciating where I was in that moment of my journey. I always wanted to get to the next phase, to reach the next goal.
But one of the things that made me enjoy the audition so much was just being in each moment of the experience. I think it’s one of the reasons I’ve enjoyed these last six months of my life so much too.
What’s one thing you’ve done that you never thought you’d do? What do you think helped you enjoy that experience? I’d love to know in the comments below.
with love, Brielle