Last year this time I sat down and wrote out a list of highlights from 2017 (including paying off my credit card debt and a weeklong trip to Italy) and a list of things I was looking forward to in 2018. I’ve never been one to make (or keep) new year resolutions, but last December I was really looking for a way to feel re-inspired about, well, about everything.
2017 was a rough year for me.
An injury kept me from dancing for six months. A challenging professional situation shook my confidence and made me dread going to work. I dated a string of less than stellar men in New York. By the end of the year I felt drained. Burnt out. Apathetic. And I am not an apathetic person.
I am a person who literally jumps up and down and runs around in giddiness when I see the sun come out in the middle of the afternoon. I scream when my friend walks into a restaurant, even though I’m expecting them to be there since we made plans to meet for dinner.
Even when I have a bad day or feel anxious or stressed (which happens more often than I like to admit), I’m fully in those emotions, so this general feeling of disinterest was new for me. It was strange. I didn’t like it and I was determined to get rid of it in 2018.
I was ready to shed the negative energy around me and rediscover my love for life (cliché, but true). I had no idea, however, that finding myself again would bring so much change, because if you had asked me a year ago, I would have said I liked pretty much everything about my life.
2018 Brought A Lot of Change
If you’ve been around here for a while then you know about some of those changes: I left the company I’d worked for since college (and the past six years), debuted as a professional dancer (a goal I’ve had since I was twenty), started a new romantic relationship.
My dad also sold his house and downsized to a condominium, which was strangely emotional for me even though I didn’t grow up in that house or actually ever live in it. My roommates and good friends moved out of our shared apartment and it was hard to lose them in my daily life.
I launched this blog, something I’d been thinking about for years. I also started a book coaching program to begin writing a novel manuscript.
But out of all the big changes this year, the one that feels like it has truly changed my life is this:
I learned how to be honest with myself.
When I sat down and wrote out those two lists last year, I knew I needed some help getting out of whatever funk I was in. I needed to dig into what was really going on and I knew that would require some hard emotional work. So last January, I started working with a Conscious Leadership Coach (though I usually refer to him as a Life Coach).
Different from therapy (which I am a big fan of), working with a conscious leadership coach felt more like having really intense weekly emotional meetings with my boss. I would talk about a challenge I was experiencing in life and my coach would help me find the root of what was really going on. He would then help me find a solution and a way to turn that solution into a long-term strategy so that I could address the same challenge in the future on my own.
It sounds a bit vague and abstract when I try and explain it, but the work we did each week was actually very actionable in a way I never found my therapy sessions to be. I had “homework” and “assignments” including writing out a visual map of my life without any limiting beliefs (like money or time). That one was really hard for me! I had to do the assignment twice because the first time I had a lot of “this is what I need” statements on there versus “this is what I want statements.”
I ended up working with my coach for about six months. I also did some inner space technique therapy. The sessions were hard. Digging deep into your emotions really hurts. I mean it physically hurts sometimes. But I’m so glad I did all of that emotional work. I realized I had been holding in a lot of hurt and anger for years because I was afraid saying something would hurt some of the people closest to me.
That realization prompted me to have some tough conversations, namely one with my dad during which I told him for the first time what my home life was really like after my parents divorced. I had shared bits and parts with him as an adult, but I had always held back a lot because I didn’t want to hurt him and make him feel like he was a bad father. He wasn’t. He was and is a great dad. Still, I had hidden away a lot of pain and hurt a long time ago and ignoring those emotional scars wasn’t serving me.
It was hard for me to do and I know it was hard for him to hear, but I’m glad I opened up to him. Our relationship is stronger now than it’s ever been and I’m really grateful for that.
I also learned how to be honest about myself.
I remember listening to this Stuff Mom Never Told You Episode called over the summer called “You Don’t Have to Try To Be A Cool Girl.” In conjunction with all this emotional work I was doing, the episode helped me realize the ways in which I was trying to be my own version of a cool girl. I was trying to downplay certain aspects of my personality I felt made me less than in some way – less likable, less loveable, less capable, less of a leader. And I had been doing it for so long, I didn’t even realize I was doing it.
Recently I wrote about how becoming a professional dancer taught me that the only person who can make me feel like I’m not a real dancer is myself. Similarly, this year I’ve learned that the only person who can make me feel less than or bad or embarrassed about who I am and what I like or don’t like is me.
It’s okay to admit I love wearing sparkles and that I like taking pretty pictures for Instagram and that I want an exclusive, committed relationship. Those things don’t make me less capable of leading a team or developing a successful marketing strategy. They don’t make me clingy or needy either. They just make me, me.
It sounds so simple when I write it out! Of course, you should be yourself. Because being anyone else is not only exhausting, it’s impossible. But like I said, I had been filtering so many thoughts and feelings for such a long time, that I didn’t even realize I was doing it.
Good Things Started To Happen
You’ve probably heard someone, somewhere (an aspirational blogger on IG perhaps?) say something like “when you’re the true, full expression of yourself, incredible things start to happen.”
I know. I know. It sounds cliché. But it’s TRUE. And like a writing teacher recently said, clichés become clichés for a reason— because they are simply so familiar they feel old hat.
Once I started being honest with and about myself, some really great things started to happen; I found a professional dance partner, was asked to teach different dance classes and workshops, a former colleague offered me some freelance marketing work, I met a really wonderful man.
In the last six
Looking Ahead to 2019
I’m really proud of how much I’ve grown in the past twelve months. Learning how to be honest with and about myself has made me feel happier and like a more full version of myself than I have in years. And it feels good. Really good.
Being this honest,
I want to get better at doing that in 2019. I’m looking forward to that feeling more natural and easier twelve months from now.
I’m also working on defining my professional goals for 2019 over the next two weeks. For the most part, I let myself do the things I enjoy most the last couple of months (like dancing and writing) without worrying about how to monetize those activities. I needed to do that and I’m grateful I had saved enough money to be able to take that much needed “break.” Now I need to figure out how I can keep doing those things financially and what kind of balance of different types of work is ideal for me. Am I trying to grow my own freelance business? Am I looking for a new full-time role? How much do I want to teach dance
Xx
Brielle